The Toxic Impact of Unspoken Expectations and Assumptions in Relationships

When you text your friend, and they don’t text back, then they must be mad at you. When you’ve been busy and your husband doesn’t wash the dishes that are piling up, then he must not care about you. When you put in those extra hours, your wife should know that you want to relax on your one-day off instead of working on that home project. 

These are things that you shouldn’t have to say, because you assume that people have the same expectations that you do, right? Not exactly.

Actually, these are some examples of unspoken expectations and assumptions—a habit that can cause a lot of unnecessary trouble in your relationships. Why does this happen? How is this harmful? How can you break this habit? Let’s find out!

Where Do Expectations and Assumptions Come From?

Take a minute to think about it. What unspoken expectations and assumptions do you have in your relationships? Where do you think these come from? Here are some common sources to get your thoughts flowing:

• Personal Priorities: Sometimes it’s easy to assume that people have the same priorities, and relationship expectations are formed based on these assumptions. 
• Childhood Experiences: Expectations often form during childhood. For example, if your mother and father took on certain roles and duties around the house when you were growing up, you might expect and assume that your spouse will do the same.
• Life Lessons: For better or worse, life experiences teach us about what to expect from other people. Sometimes we can misapply this experience and make unfair assumptions about people, or place unfair expectations onto them. 

Why Unspoken Expectations & Assumptions are Harmful

Has someone you love ever been upset with you, and you had no idea why? This is one thing that happens with unspoken expectations and assumptions. 

It can be difficult for people to interpret your wants and needs, especially if you aren’t having an open conversation about it. What’s worse is when this leads to hurt feelings, and the offending party has no clue about what’s going on, much less how to resolve the matter. 

So, on one side you have a person who feels unfulfilled in the relationship, and on the other is a person who does not have the information needed to contribute to the relationship in the best ways. This can lead to a lot of stress, confusion, conflict, and in the end makes it very difficult to have a healthy relationship. 

How to Communicate Your Expectations & Assumptions

It can be difficult to have conversations about what you need in a relationship. Maybe you avoid these discussions because you don’t want to risk conflict. Maybe you try to push your expectations aside, just to have the frustration build up overtime. Or, maybe you expect other people to do for you what you’d do for them, so having a conversation seems irrelevant. 

However, putting your unspoken expectations and assumptions out into the open will have to happen eventually—either during a conflict or in a calm, and controlled manner. Here are some tips for having a conversation that you’ll be glad that you had:

• Write It Down: One great way to get clear before your conversation is to write your thoughts down. What are your expectations for your relationship? Are there any assumptions that you might have made that need to be cleared up? Where do you think they stem from?
• Communicate Clearly: When it’s time to talk it out, make sure to speak directly and to the point. Beating around the bush only leads to more confusion. 
• Avoid Accusations: Communicate your thoughts and feelings without making it personal. For example, instead of saying things like, “you never…” say, “this makes me feel like…”
• Stay Open: Be prepared to hear the other person’s side. Maybe they have a different idea about how things should go, or maybe they have some unspoken expectations or assumptions to share with you as well. 
• Consider Counseling: If you could use some help bridging the communication gap, then a professional counselor can help. You can learn some helpful communication skills and have a mediator to ensure that everyone is heard respectfully. 

Christian Counseling in Raleigh, NC for Effective Communication Skills

Are you worried that unspoken expectations and assumptions are damaging your relationship(s)? There could be many reasons why talking it out is difficult to do on your own, and thankfully you don’t have to. If you want help from a faith-based perspective, then there are Christian therapists in Raleigh that can help. Sojourner Counseling offers Christian counseling in Raleigh for individuals and couples.  We will help you uncover unspoken needs in your relationships, and find ways to overcome challenges in a way that’s most agreeable for everyone involved.