How to Develop a Secure Attachment with Your Child
Have you heard of Attachment Theory? This theory suggests that babies are born with the need to form a secure bond with their caretakers. Moreover, the formation of this bond throughout all childhood effects the child’s future relationships. Ideally, the child develops a secure attachment style, but that isn’t the only possibility.
Types of attachment styles include:
- Anxious: Characterized by mistrust and fear of rejection, anxious attachment can cause a person to feel unlovable or frequently question the security of their relationships.
- Avoidant: Emotional intimacy feels unusual and uncomfortable for those with this attachment style, so they might have difficulty committing or connecting with others.
- Dismissive: A person with dismissive attachment might avoid close relationships altogether, often conceal their emotions, and invalidate the emotions of others.
- Secure: Securely attached children and adults are confident forming connections with others, are self-confident, and develop lasting relationships.
As the children of God, we need to feel securely attached to our Creator. As parents, we mimic this role, so it’s important that we do our best to follow His example so that our children grow into healthy, secure adults.
Do you want to ensure that your child forms a secure attachment? It all begins with their attachment to you. Now it’s time to get into the bulk of this article: How to help your child develop a secure attachment.
Help the Child Feel Safe
The name of the Lord is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe (Proverbs 18:10).
For a secure attachment to form, safety is paramount. For infants and toddlers, safety comes from a warm and responsive mother. Letting a baby “cry it out” is not in line with attachment parenting. Instead, let the baby know that they can count on you to soothe them. Toddlers who are securely attached are easily calmed when held by their mothers, and older children know they can count on their parents to provide a consistent and nurturing environment.
Attune to Their Needs
Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! (Luke 12:24).
Parental neglect creates mistrust and encourages the child to be overly independent and detached from others. On the other hand, parents who are attuned to the cues of their babies, toddlers, and children can easily read and understand the child’s needs and respond appropriately. The child learns that their needs are going to be met, creating a bond of trust and healthy dependence.
Provide Comfort and Reassurance
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light (Matthew 11:28-30).
A securely attached child and adult learns how to deal with stress in a healthy way. The basis of learning effective coping strategies comes from the compassionate and soothing care of the parent. When a child feels sad, afraid, angry, or experiences other negative emotions, respond with calmness and empathy to help the child return to a stable emotional state. In time, he or she will learn how to regulate themselves.
Make Them Feel Loved and Valued
The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing (Zephaniah 3:17).
Children of all ages, even babies, are sensitive to how their parents feel about them. Every sigh of frustration, angry look, or expression of disappointment in the child can wear down their self-esteem. As parents, it’s important to help your child feel like a valued, well-loved member of your family. Greet them warmly, give hugs, and do your best to keep your emotions under wraps. Children often blame themselves for the unhappiness of their parents, even if the parents’ emotional state has nothing to do with the child.
Give the Child Room to Grow
We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:8-9).
Secure children are confident, and they learn how to accept responsibilities and overcome challenges willingly. This is formed by allowing the child to explore the world around them. Sometimes parents do too much for their children because it’s easier and faster, and sometimes they overly protect the child from play for fear that they might get hurt. Give the child space to discover, to experience, and to fail.
Christian Counseling in Raleigh, NC Can Help with Attachment
Do you want to learn more about Attachment Theory? Are you concerned that you might not be securely attached yourself? Could you use some help forming a secure attachment with your child? Christian counseling in Raleigh can provide the support that you’re looking for. Reach out to Sojourner Counseling today for additional information, or to schedule your initial appointment with one of our licensed Christian therapists in Raleigh.