Boundaries: What Kids Need from Their Parents
Boundaries are a part of life. They tell us what we can do, what we cannot do, and the consequences that will follow when we make good or bad decisions. As a parent, it’s important to set boundaries for your children and teens. If you’re not sure why boundaries are important, or if you could use some help setting boundaries in your own home, then read on for some useful information!
Why It’s Important to Set Boundaries
“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. And God saw that the light was good. And God separated the light from the darkness. God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, the first day.” –Genesis 1:1-5
Setting boundaries can be one of the most challenging aspects of parenting, but it’s also one of the most important. Even in the beginning, God instituted boundaries, separating one thing from another by making clear distinctions. He did this and called it good. Likewise, good boundaries provide children and teenagers with:
- Feelings of Security: Knowing that there is an adult in charge makes children feel safe. Boundaries also let children and teens know what is expected of them, so they aren’t overwhelmed with trying to figure life out on their own.
- A Sense of Self: Boundaries help people become self-aware. They learn that their actions affect other people, and this is a critical part of developing an independent, healthy personality.
- Developed Self-Control: Life is full of temptations, and will power is like a mental muscle that needs to be exercised. Giving your children and teens boundaries helps them learn to control themselves, so they can lead lives of purpose.
- Important Relationship Skills: Learning how to establish boundaries and respect the boundaries of others is essential for forming lasting, healthy relationships.
How to Enforce Boundaries as a Parent
It’s understandable that many parents struggle with setting boundaries, and there can be some trial and error. However, if you follow these principles, then you’re going to be on the right track:
Set boundaries in love.
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).
Before you decide which boundaries to set, make up your mind to do all things out of love for your child. Keep a level head, remembering to love your child or teen no matter what. From there, you can make decisions about what rules to set and how they should be enforced.
Establish clear and simple rules.
For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome (1 John 5:3).
It’s loving to set firm boundaries for your child. However, it’s difficult to maintain boundaries consistently if they are unclear or if there are too many of them. Before establishing boundaries, take some time to decide what they are and what age-appropriate consequences for disobedience will be. Focus on the things that matter most, like following instructions, respecting their siblings, and fulfilling age-appropriate responsibilities around the house.
Provide the freedom to choose.
Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck (Proverbs 1:8-9).
As much as you might want to control what your kids do, it’s ultimately up to them whether they will respect your boundaries or not. Give them some space and remind them that they have a choice in the matter. For example, if your child is refusing to clean their bedroom, you could remind them that they have a choice. Either clean the bedroom and enjoy a privilege, or don’t clean the bedroom and lose the privilege.
Let the consequences come.
He will render to each one according to his works (Romans 2:6).
While you cannot force your children to do what you want them to do, you can encourage them to make the right choices by letting the consequences come. Sometimes, parents want to rescue their children from the consequences of their actions, and this causes fuzzy boundaries and encourages misbehavior. As much as it might hurt, let your children feel that their bad choices come with consequences.
It’s also important to praise good decisions. You can do this in several ways, from telling your child that they did a good job to creating a reward system. For example, if they clean their room every day, then they can gain some extra screen time on the weekend.
Model the behavior that you want to see.
Not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock (1 Peter 5:3).
While setting and enforcing boundaries, it’s important that you play by your own rules. It doesn’t take long for children and teens to pick up on a “do as I say, not as I do” approach, and they will lose respect for you and your boundaries. Plus, children naturally mimic their parents, even older children and teens. The best thing you can do is set a good example, and when this is paired with the steps above, you’re going to notice that your boundaries are having a positive effect on the atmosphere of your home.
When Discipline Goes Too Far
We would be remiss to discuss discipline without taking some time to address something that’s very important, and that is abuse. Discipline is meant to instruct the child, correct the child, and let them know that their choices have consequences, either for bad or good.
Abuse takes things too far. If the discipline includes things like striking the child, yelling, or making degrading remarks, then this constitutes abuse. It’s also abuse to take away things that the child needs, like food and parental love and affection. God does not condone abuse. In-fact, Jesus stated that it would be better for a person to “drown in the sea than offend one of these little ones.”
However, many parents have trouble with keeping a level head when disciplining their children, and there is help available and God forgives parents who want to make positive changes. If disciplining in anger is a problem in your home, or if you could use help in some other area, then Christian counseling is a great resource for you.
Christian Counseling in Raleigh, NC Can Help Parents Set Boundaries in Their Homes
Do you and or your spouse struggle to establish and maintain clear, healthy boundaries in your home? Does it seem like your child(ren) or teen(s) do not respect your boundaries no matter what you do? If you could use some help in this area, Christian therapists in Raleigh, NC can help.
Contact Sojourner Counseling to get information about counseling for parents, children, and teens. We are a trusted choice for Christian counseling in Raleigh, and we will be more than happy to answer your questions or help you get started with an initial appointment!